“Props” aired the same night as “Nationals” as part a two-episode event. I call it Glee: The Movie. It’s like how Walker, Texas Ranger used to do TV movies back when networks still did made-for-TV movies. Walker and Glee are equally as logical.

Far from being the embarrassment Sue predicted, gender-all encompassing Unique has gotten a lot of positive press for Vocal Adrenaline, which could give them an advantage at Nationals.

Kurt is too pretty to be Snooki

Sue says that New Directions must respond by putting Kurt in a flapper dress and calling him Porcelaina. Kurt is against this, saying that just because he is gay does not mean he likes to wear women’s clothing. Even though he has worn women’s clothing many times over the course of this series,  including every episode of the first season. Mercedes points out that he dressed as Snooki for Halloween, but that’s not really going in drag, that’s more like going as the Italian version of Chewbacca.

Rachel sings something. She also left 14 messages on Whoopi Goldberg’s phone begging her for another chance to audition after she CHOKED. She invites Goldberg to watch her performance at Nationals. I bet Whoopi will be there because anything is better than being in a room with Sherri Shepard.

Yes, it’s time for the glee club to plan for Nationals, because it’s this week. One of their songs will be “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”. Fuck yeah! Another song will be “What a Feeling” from Flashdance. I always get that confused Striptease, even though it’s totally different. I do that a lot with ’80s movies that aren’t Star Wars based. Like, my brains combines every movie Molly Ringwald has been into one film about whiny teenagers. I also cross Dirty Dancing with Footloose and think there is a movie where Patrick Swayze romances Kevin Bacon with dance.

Rachel will sing lead, of course. This is when Tina actually says something. It’s her, like, second line this whole season. “I’m a human prop and I’m sick of it!” she yells. She is angry that Rachel always gets the attention. The writers finally realized that they haven’t done anything with Tina for two seasons and are rushing to make up for it now.

Tina is all flustered and falls into a fountain in the mall. Kurt and Blaine are there to help her out, but they are now Puck and Finn! And Tina look likes Margaret Cho. Tina is now Rachel and Rachel is now Tina. Every one has switched places with someone else. The cool kids are lame and the lame kids are cool. And Artie is possibly a girl. Tina has fallen into the Glee Mirror Universe! At the bottom of the mall fountain was some sort of portal. Here is how this universe operates:

Artie	Blaine	Brittany
Finn	Joe	Kirk
Kurt	Mercedes	Mike
Puck	Quinn	Rachel
Rory	Sam	Santana
Spock	Sue	Sugar
Tina	Uhura	Will

You will quickly realize how typecast all these actors will be once they leave Glee, because none of them can play a different personality type well. It’s mean to say, but Chris Colfer trying to act straight makes me laugh. Cory Monteith just trying to act makes me sad. You should have never left that beet farm in Canada, dude.

Tina finds herself at the center of Mirror Universe glee club as the star who will lead them in Nationals. She sings a fucking Celine Dion song. The internet tells me this has been Tina’s first solo since “A Night of Neglect”, an episode I never recapped and don’t even remember. That was 25 episodes ago. The problem for her is that the show keeps adding supporting characters: Sugar, Sam, Irish, Joe, Bieste, and Unique, who all end up getting more screen time then her.

Tina loves being the Rachel of the Mirror Universe, but unlike Real Universe Rachel, takes the time to talk to this universe’s Tina, who is Rachel. Mirror Rachel totally pulls off goth better. Tina always just looked like a some girl who just happened to wear black that day. But you can totally believe that Mirror Universe Rachel cuts herself while listening to the Cure. Like our Rachel, Mirror Tina failed her NYADA audition. But Mirror Rachel tells Mirror Tina to drive to Whoopi Goldberg and audition again. In the Mirror Universe, Whoopi Goldberg is Barbara Walters.

This is when Tina is pulled back to the real universe.

Sue has the kids reheard for “What a Feeling” using welding equipment just like in Flashdance. It is worth mentioning that Jane Lynch,  (who plays Sue) was in The L Word with Flashdance star, Jennifer Beals. The L Word was a wreck of TV show, but it had girls kissing and nipples so it is A+++.

Some of the glee girls ask Beiste why she  still wears her wedding ring after she told them she left Cooter for hitting her. Mercedes saw Beiste and Cooter go to the movies to see 21 Jump Street. Cooter taking her to that movie counts as serious abuse. Beiste admits that she gave Cooter a second chance.

The glee club watches a reel of Unique and Vocal Adrenaline. I couldn’t hear what was going on because, at this point, my local station cut the audio to announce a Severe Thunderstorm Warning for Manistee County, which is nowhere near where I live nor a place I have ever been to. But the entire northern half of Michigan has to share a single Fox affiliate. It was nice because I didn’t have to listen to what Rachel says next. And not listening to Rachel talk is always a pleasure.

When I could listen to the show again, Sue says she hired a group of little people to help with the glee club’s stage act. The club objects, but I think midgets would be great. Like, five of them could swarm around Quinn and be her legs. Puck walks in wearing a dress. Since Kurt won’t do it, he wants to do what needs to be done to help the club. The various members are either disgusted or turned on.

Rachel and Tina are in a car, but I also missed this scene due to another severe weather advisory. This time, the video was interrupted to show a radar map of northwest Michigan that did not show the county I live in nor the next three counties over. The alert said that power lines were down in Manistee and there was hail 1 inch in diameter. I looked out my window and there was no rain.

When I was allowed to watch Glee again, I saw Puck bitch slap that hockey guy after he insulted beer. The hockey team dump Puck in a dumpster. Puck gets out and pulls a knife on the hockey guy. This is when Beiste jumps in and takes the knife away. She was cool with watching them fight until then, I guess. Beiste takes Puck to the locker room where Puck says the knife is a rubber prop. Puck gives a heartfelt speech about being a loser with loser parents. It resonates with Beiste because she feels like a loser with Cooter. It resonated with me because Finn gave the same speech already and it’s getting annoying. There are 40 characters in this show, but they share five issues.

There was another weather alert. I want to say that was the reason I don’t know what happened when Rachel and Tina met with Whoopi Goldberg, but I was making a pizza.

Beiste is home where Cooter is eating pizza (what a coincidence! Just like Cooter, I feel violence toward the Glee characters!) Beiste says she has to leave Cooter or else she might stab him. Cooter flips out and knocks everything off the table, which sucks because he had a lot of pizza still to eat. If I were Beiste, I would at least eat some pizza before I announce I am gone. Cooter will be less violent because a full belly of pizza makes people tired. Also, the TV station told me that the storm is spreading to Roscommon County, wherever that is. It said the county is experiencing “quarter-sized hail” and then lists every town, township, park and airport in that county, because even the people who live in Roscommon County have no idea where it is. So I missed most of what Puck and Beiste sang next.

But I did hear when Beiste said that the geography teacher will allow Puck to retake the exam he failed. Beiste tells him the teacher hated his attitude (trying to sex her up), but having the courage to wear a dress to support his glee club showed her that he deserves a second chance.

This is the logic train that only works in the Glee world.

So Tina, Irish, Joe and Sugar are left to work on the costumes for Nationals. The kids are jealous that they have to do the grunt work and Sugar asks why Rachel doesn’t sew her own dress. Because Jews don’t do manual labor, sweeties. Tina tells the others to show respect. Because if they are team players and put in the work now, they will be rewarded next year when they are upperclassmen. Right now the seniors (Rachel) deserve the glory and they should support her. From the hallway, Mike smiles. Mike has been telling her all episode that Rachel is awesome and deserves to be the star. Mike is being weird. Why would never support Rachel over his girlfriend, it makes no sense? We don’t see much of him either, so we don’t even know what happened to make him feel this way.

And, by the way, this message is coming from a show where Finn was the star quarterback in season 1, despite being a sophomore. But Tina has learned the same lesson the other girls did when they temporarily left, Rachel is better than her.

For learning her place, Tina is privileged to sing  “What a Feeling” with Rachel as the glee club boards the bus to go to Nationals. Note that Artie is sitting in this bus, but it is not wheelchair accessible. And we all remember the shitty episode “Wheels” which was all about how the club needed a wheelchair accessible bus to take Artie to competitions. What the fuck, Artie?

Grade: F

Best Musical Performance: “What A Feeling” – Irene Cara. Performed by Rachel and Tina

Sugar’s Best Outfit:

Mirror Universe Quinn’s Best Outfit:

Head to the next page for “Nationals” !

Bay and Ty are somewhere in the barrio about to make whoopee. However, Ty breaks it off when neither of them can produce a condom. ABC Family promotes safe sex! And often! This is the first time a Mexican has ever called off sex due to lack of birth control.

I’m surprised he even knows what a condom is. The Pope is going to be sooo mad!

Ty drives her home and they make out in his truck. Bay’s dad finds them. He watches them for a little bit and then Bay’s parents give her a talkin’ to.

But the folks disagree on how to handle this. Johnathon wants to order Bay to never see him. “If we do that we are going to be raising Ty Junior in a year,” warns Kathryn. “She’s trying to figure out who she might have been. What kind of life she might have had.” Bay wants to experience what it would be like to a typical Mexican-American girl by getting pregnant in high school.

The parents’ solution is to have Bay invite Ty over for dinner. If her parents like Ty, then Bay will no longer think Ty is cool! Like the day when Bay was 13 and thought she was the first person in her house to discover Janis Joplin. Bay is taken aback by the invitation, and says that her mom and dad never asked to meet Liam when she started dating him. “Liam’s family is one of the good ones,” says Kathryn. “Oops I mean we knew him.”

At the guesthouse, Daphne is sad over breaking up with Liam in the previous episode. “Why don’t you hang out with Toby?” suggests Regina. Oh no, the Daphne/Toby romance begins! NoooOOOOO!

Regina met a man at the party. His name is Bruce and he sent her flowers. Kathryn knows who Bruce is and warns Regina that he is a “player” with two-ex wives and even does the finger quotes thing. Then, to further her point, she does the thing where she repeatedly slides her index finger through a hole made by the index finger and thumb of her other hand. Kathryn asks her why she is seeing him. “I’m a grown woman, he’s a grown man,” explains Regina. And he’s rich.

Kathryn does not want Regina to have sex in guesthouse. Regina is appalled that Kathryn thinks she can order her around. “Exactly what base am I allowed to go to?” she asks sarcastically. Kathryn does know because WASPs do not have bases. They have croquet “wickets” and there are 49 of them, each with distinct definitions. Regina stakes her territory by saying that the only reason she will not bring him over is because she shares this space with her mother and daughter. Not that that would have mattered a century ago. You ever see Little House on the Prairie? There was no privacy among that family. It was a little house. When Ma and Pa were making Laura, Mary was in the loft right above them trying to get to sleep.

Dad drives Bay to Ty’s house so she can ask him to dinner. It’s a weird that he has to chaperone her to ask him. Dad worries if he doesn’t get her out of there within 5 minutes, she’ll wind up pregnant.

Later, Bay talks to Daphne and grants her permission to date Liam, her ex, which upset Bay in the [[previous episode]]. “I already broke up with him,” says Daphne. “Happy?” “Yes,” replies Bay. “…I mean no. No.”

A reporter was at the party and now the story of the switch has made front page of the paper. Regina is offended because it describes her as “plucked” from the poor neighborhood and Daphne as “disabled”. I guess it’s politically incorrect to refer to someone who lacks the use of one of her senses as disabled. I do agree that the Vasquez family wasn’t “plucked” from East Riverside. They were “evicted”.

Kathryn tries to ask Regina about Ty, since they were neighbors. She asks whether it is all right to leave Ty and Bay alone together. “Is everybody sex crazed in your world?” asks Regina. “Yes,” replies Kathryn. “I and all my girlfriends watch Lifetime 15 hours a day.”

Regina tells Kathryn about Ty. She starts by describing him as “part Cherokee.” What? I thought only white people pulled that dumb Cherokee heritage card. For a people who basically were annihilated, the Cherokee somehow managed to have sex with about 95% of the US population.

Toby wants to use Daphne and Emmett to cheat at a poker game, because deaf people are supposed to be good at reading people. They go along with it because they can make money. Bay warns Daphne that Toby has a gambling problem, and she had to use all of her birthday money to bail him out last time. Daphne and I still have no idea how much money that could be, so she still wants to help him gamble. But Daphne should hope it was a lot because then she could win big. It’s not like she’s risking any of her money.

Kathryn tries to give Bay a sex talk. Bay, of course, really does not want to hear it. “You really don’t think that I have anything useful to tell you?” Kathryn asks. No, no you do not. Kathryn has never said anything useful about anything.

The other people at the poker table are Wilkie, Haruku and Cheese. A totally diverse group of rich kids. Just like in real life. Haruku says she is glad that two deaf people add to the diversity of the group, which previously was just her. Cheese reminds her that he is black. “Dude, you drive a Hummer,” says Haruku, “you are not diverse.” That’s rude. What, the Asians are making jokes about blacks now? Black people, you’re falling behind if the Asian can crack jokes about you. Those people are never funny.

The poker game is underway. Daphne notices that Wilkie shakes his leg when he does not have good cards. Deaf Powers Activate!

The three are still out at the poker game when Ty arrives for dinner. Ty brought flowers to win over Kathryn. “I picked them out of your flower garden. I was watching a Boy Meets World marathon earlier today.”

Bay wants Daphne here to help back up Ty (they are friends from the Eastside). Regina and Grandma Vasquez are at the dinner, so Bay assures Ty, “We still have them outnumbered.” She means racially. They got whitey into a corner tonight. “Don’t bring up politics.” Regina advises Ty how to deal with Johnathon, “he does own guns.” Oh, so they have something in common!

Back to the poker game. Cheese makes the offhand comment, “I may drive a Hummer, but I’m way too black for ultimate frisbee.” He’s way too defensive about the Hummer. Owning a Hummer seems like a pretty black thing to do. It’s a flashy, oversized and wasteful symbol of wealth. It’s taking the philosophy of owning platinum rims that spin and applying it to the entire vehicle.

With their help, Toby is up ahead and Daphne and Emmett are ready to leave. Toby confesses to the two that he is in debt to Wilkie a lot of money from previous games and needs them to stay and help him. Emmett doesn’t see that as his problem and leaves.

Bruce, Regina’s date, arrives to take her out. He greets Grandma Vasquez with some Spanish. “You speak Spanish,” says Regina, pleasantly surprised. “I was in prison in Venezuela for seven years,” replies Bruce.

John and Kathryn greet Bruce. “I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Daphne yet,” says Bruce. “Plenty of time for that,” says John being territorial, “no rush.” This is as subtle as ABC Family writers are capable.

Regina leaves for her date, and Grandma Vasquez just leaves. So the dinner is down to four. Ty got his GED after not graduating high school and was recently laid off from a construction job. Way to win over the parents.

But then Ty surprises them by announcing that he enlisted in the Army. Gotcha there, Republican parents! You can’t hate him now. He leaves for basic training on Thursday.

This is the first Bay has heard of any of this. She is shocked and appalled that she just met this guy and he’s going away. They wonder if things would have been different if Bay grew up in his neighborhood. I don’t think it would have changed Ty’s life that much. It’s not like Bay growing up in the barrio could affect whether he joins the army. That has more to do with economics.

The poker game is down to Wilkie and Toby. Wilkie puts down a thousand dollars. The Toby goes all in because Daphne saw Wilkie shake his leg. But Wilkie was faking her out. He has the winning hand. Toby’s winnings are wiped out and he is even more in debt by an undetermined amount.

John and Kathryn are left alone in the house. Oh, what a crazy dinner that was. “No one even touched the brownies,” complains Kathryn. “I baked them with LSD. I just want to feel alive again.”

Toby and Daphne get home and he blames her for the loss. “Do you even know how much I lost tonight?” he yells.  No.

Regina also gets home and has a talk with Bay that having sex with Ty isn’t going to make him not go into Army.

The next morning, Bay says goodbye to Ty. Ty reveals that he had a condom with him that night. But he didn’t want to stick it to her until she knew about the Army. But now she does and he can totally bang her. Bay leaves.

That night, Daphne tells Bay about Toby’s poker game. They watch as Toby loads his guitar to take to a pawnshop. Man, Wilkie is in his band, he could just give the guitar over to him and borrow it when they do gigs. Bay asks Daphne how much he lost.

“He wouldn’t say,” Daphne says.

“That means it’s really bad,” says Bay. Dun dun DUN!

Go to hell Paul Stupin, you bring nothing of value to society.

The Glee Project Season 2. June 2 on Oxygen

This is a reality show competition. The prize is a guest spot on the upcoming season of Glee. The first season was pretty awful, but it’s only ten episodes long and will give us a preview into what season 4 of Glee will contain. It’s also a treat to get a peak behind the scenes of Glee and what a crazy person Ryan Murphy is.

Bunheads Season 1. June 11 on ABC Family

This new series is about a lady who opens a ballet school. Like everything on ABC Family, I doubt it will be good. The only reason I want to see it is that it’s an Amy Sherman-Palladino project. Palladino was the creator of Gilmore Girls, one of my favorite shows.

The L.A Complex Season 2. July on the CW or Canada or whatever

Season 1 is being shown on the CW this month, and a second season has started production. I am not sure of the airdate or if the CW will pick it up again. I got sick of the show last season, and that was only six episodes long. So who knows what will happen first. Will I get quit reviewing the show or will it get cancelled before I reach that point? Only time will tell. Only time will tell.

Is there anything else you want me to consider reviewing?

A typical K-Mart

On a date, Daphne and Liam discuss their survival strategies in the event of the Zombie-pocalypse. Daphne says she likes Liam as a boyfriend, but would still take his food at gunpoint. I’m going to take a break to tell you what I would do to survive a zombie outbreak. Johnny and I discussed this in 2004 after George Dumb-leyou Bu$h was reelected and it felt like the end of the world, am I right??? Remember how in Dawn of the Dead a group of human survivors barricaded themselves up in a mall? That is a great strategy, even though the mall got overrun in both movies. The problem is there aren’t any shopping malls in the Upper Peninsula, so my plan is to hole up in a K-mart. You see, in the event of a zombie outbreak, a lot of people would head for the Wal-mart for emergency supplies and that mega- store will get crowded quickly, which means the zombie infection will spread like wildfire. You would need to head somewhere where there will be no other people. Plus, a K-mart has many of the same goods as a Wal-mart. A K-mart will have plenty of food as long as you can survive off Doritos and Pepsi and Little Debbies. Also, zombies often retain rudimentary memories of what they did in their human lives, which means they will soon flock to Wal-mart out of habit. No zombies are going to go near K-mart.

The family will be hosting a fundraiser for Buckner Hall and the Kennish and Vasquez families will be there together. Daphne asks if she can invite her new boyfriend, Liam. Bay is shocked. Liam broke up with Bay in the first episode. Awkward! Bay shoots back that she is seeing Ty, Daphne’s ése from the barrio.

Bay wants Ty to come to the party, but he declines because it would awkward. Half his family does yard work for Buckner families. His is in a different world from Bay and the Buckner crowd and people who eat name brand cereal.

Melody, deaf Emmett’s deaf mom, comes to the guesthouse to have dinner with the Vasquez women. She tells Regina that she and her husband are separating. This would be serious if we had ever met her husband, and were not introduced to her only one episode ago.

Kathryn drinks a lot of wine and then the fancy soiree is underway.  Kathryn orders more wine for the event. The Kennishs’ rich friends are all there and they all know about the switch.

“So if Bay’s not really your sister,” Toby’s bandmate says to him, “you could totally take a run at that.” And we move closer and closer to an incest episode. Toby’s garage band is supposed to provide music for the party, their drummer was grounded when his mom found porn on his computer. Daphne suggests Emmett as a replacement, but the boys point out that Emmett is a deaf. Daphne replies that music is merely feeling vibrations. This is true. Didn’t you fuckers ever watch Mr. Holland’s Opus? Besides, even if he is a poor drummer and can’t stay on time, it’s not like they’d be any worse than every other teenage garage band.

A man named Bruce talks to Regina about getting Daphne a scholarship to Buckner. Meanwhile, two women gossip about how Johnathon had to be having an affair and the switch is only a cover story. They gossip while Kathryn is right there. Only people on TV lack peripheral vision.

This hot Asian girl tries to talk to Emmett, but walks away when she discovers he is deaf. She is just insecure because if she were born deaf, her parents would have thrown her in the Yellow River. The only reason she is even alive today is that she was born with a little penis that fell off when she was 3.

Bay doesn’t like that a bunch of guys are talking to Daphne. Neither does Emmett. Kathryn warns Regina to stay away from Bruce, he’s a bad news bear. Everyone is jealous of someone else. Kathryn doesn’t like that her husband is having fun with Melody, as they are both into sports. Now she thinks he really will have an affair. Dear God is she dumb. “I never asked any questions when you were away in spring training or off on the road,” she tells him after about 12 gallons of wine. I would watch out if I were Melody. The last time the family hosted a party it was for an episode of Kathryn’s canceled reality series, The Real Housewives of OKC, so Kathryn thinks she has to pull out a bitch’s weave tonight.

John tells the bitch she is crazy, but in a polite way. They make up. “You’re going to get lucky tonight,” smirks Johnathon. But we’ll take you a different hospital in 9 months.

Kathryn takes the stage. She introduces Regina to everyone as “the mother of my husband’s love child.” There she goes, trying to force reality show drama! Actually, that was Kathryn’s dumb attempt at a joke. She explains to everyone that John would never cheat on her and the two families are getting along well and please stop handing Regina your jackets, she is not the help.

Liam kisses Daphne by the pool. Daphne cries and says they have to break up because Bay doesn’t like this and she needs to get along with Bay. Then Ty shows up and leaves with Bay. Bay is a cunt to Daphne. A sad song plays in the background. It sounds like a girl singing. Man, Toby has a really good falsetto.

Rachel starts the episode with a voiceover—ala season 1—about moving on after Whoopi Goldberg crushed her dreams. I know how that feels, sister. With NYADA and Broadway out of the picture, she is trying to focus on smaller goals, such as prom.

Figgins calls Brittany into his office. Brittany is the class president, but Figgins calls her a “do nothing presidency” and is considering abolishing the position all together. What does the class president even do? It’s not like she has any real power. That’s what the school board is for. The student council only exists so the students can be tricked into thinking their opinion matters. This also applies to the student senate at every college in America. Wow, the student senate at Hampshire College voted to divest from Israel. If they had more than 0% genuine control over the college’s finances this would almost sort of mean something!

Brittany has her first meeting with the prom committee. She shoots down each one of their theme ideas and dictates that it will be dinosaurs. Brittany is awesome.

Coincidentally, all the prom nominees are in the same 11 person class.

Sue announces the prom nominations over the PA. Finn and Brittany are nominated for prom king, and Santana and Quinn are in the running for queen, which is odd since they are seniors and only juniors are supposed to be in prom court. Could it be any clearer that none of the Glee writers were ever invited to prom?

Rachel is jealous that Quinn and Finn are campaigning for king and queen together. Look at this, Rachel is jealous of Quinn and Finn’s relationship. This episode marched all up in season 1 territory here. Finn tells Rachel he is campaigning with Quinn because she is in a wheelchair and needs this win. Note that Artie is also in a wheelchair but no one nominated him for prom king. “I can’t believe how selfish you’re being,” Finn says to Rachel “that’s usually my department.”

In physical therapy, Quinn tries to use the arm bars thing to walk, but falls down. Her fall was not nearly as epic as Jimmy’s.

Jimmy falls

Joe helps her because Quinn doesn’t have a real physical therapist for some reason. Joe promises she will dance at prom.

OK, so Becky is upset that she is not up for prom queen and throws a fit all over McKinley. Becky wants to be like a prom queen she saw in a commercial. Sue tells Becky not to listen to commercials because “advertisers are manipulative alcoholics.”

“Haven’t you ever seen Mad Men?” asks Sue. When Becky says no, Sue replies, “Neither have I.”

Burn! Ryan Murphy is jealous that Mad Men keeps beating Glee in award shows. Mad Men is some boring show about boring adults that does nothing for gay teens. Glee has saved the lives of even more gay teens than Lady Gaga! Remember, if you don’t like Glee, that means you hate gay people.

Rachel, Kurt, and Blaine sing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Ferguson. This feels like a very season 1 song choice. Season 1 was the best because the writing was so much wittier than it is now. Also there was no Blaine. Rachel tells the “boys” that she doesn’t want to go to prom because she is afraid to see Finn and Quinn share a dance. Kurt is afraid to attend after the kids made him prom queen last year. Blaine wets his diaper over the fact that Brittany won’t allow his precious hair gel. I like how Rachel is concerned over possibly losing her boyfriend, Kurt is concerned over possibly being made fun of, and Blaine is just being a crybaby.

Rachel announces to the glee club that she is organizing an anti-prom and invites them all. Santana is looking forward to the big night her girlfriend put together, and will have none of Berry’s bitching. “Rachel Berry isn’t getting her way so she’s punishing the rest of us,” Santana says and tells Rachel “this is the pettiest thing you have ever done.” How did that line get past Ryan Murphy? Maybe another writer snuck it into the script while Murphy was on the phone trying to convince Hillary Clinton that watching Glee is the only thing will bring the Israelis and Palestinians together in peace.

We go to prom. Oh come on, we already had a prom episode last season! You only need per generation. We should have skipped the prom episode this year and saved it for new kids who’ll join in season 4. The glee kids once again provide the music.

Since the theme is dinosaurs, Brittany starts off with a song that has dinosaur in the lyrics. It’s by Kesha, who should really just stop. Why didn’t Brit sing something from The Flintstones Movie? Or make up lyrics and sing the Jurassic Park theme. It’s been done!

Finn enters the girl’s room because he is Finn. He sees that Quinn can stand up by leaning on the counter. In his stupid brain, Finn takes this to mean Quinn can walk, and has been able to all along. “You lied to everyone!” he yells. I’m not going to transcribe anymore of what he said because it’s just Finn being a preachy douche. Quinn could try to explain that she is regaining her strength in physical therapy, but still can’t walk, but she would never get though to Finn. Finn is just too used to lecturing girls to care what one of them has to say.

Back at the prom, Santana sings “Love You Like a Love Song” by Justine Beiber’s girlfriend, Selena Gomez. What I mean by that is that five dudes and a computer wrote that song and Gomez sings on it. Disney is really good at maximizing the revenue of their stars. Like, every girl on the Disney Channel has an album out. Granted, when the ladies hit 18, they are thrown out like so many Hillary Duffs, but it’s a pretty sweet ride until then. On that subject, Modern Family just had an episode where they went to Disneyland. That made me nostalgic for when ABC used to have the families on their TGIF sitcoms go on a multi-episode adventure in Disney World, because Disney owns ABC. Every family show on ABC is contractually required to do a four episode long commercial for Disney theme parks.

On the dance floor, in front of everyone, Finn yells at Quinn to stand up and walk! I know I’ve said this a hundred times before: Shut the fuck up, Finn. Joe has to defend Quinn when Finn acts crazy and tries to force her off her chair. Sue threatens to kick Finn out, so Finn leaves. Of course, Finn feels he did nothing wrong.

Finn joins the anti-prom that Rachel, Kurt, Blaine, Puck and Becky hold in a hotel room. Birthday parties that involved renting a hotel room were always the best. Becky is a total asshole, though. She says Rachel has a big nose and calls Kurt gay, which sucks for them because what can you say back to a girl with Downs? Becky gets a free pass to be a jerk.

Finn kisses Rachel and convinces the kids to come to dino-prom. Only Puck and Becky remain. Puck doesn’t want to be there because he most likely will flunk this year. Also, Rachel paid for the room, so they might as well enjoy the pool and complimentary breakfast. Hotel pools normally suck because they are too small and crowded, but I bet if Becky goes in, other guests will avoid it and they’ll have it all to themselves.

The anti-promers arrive at dino-prom. But Brittany orders Blaine to remove the gel from his hair before he can enter. Blaine goes to the bathroom to cry in a corner for 45 minutes.

Joe, Irish, Sam, Mike, and Artie sing “What Makes You Beautiful”. Artie has been reduced to being with the guest actors and the kid who can’t sing.

Rachel is alone in the hallway. Quinn rolls up and they have a heart-to-heart. “Do you not understand what you mean to me?” asks Rachel, who calls Quinn beautiful, like, five times. I know where this is going! Oh yeahhhh!!!

Back at the anti-prom, Puck wants to cheer Becky up about not being queen by crowning them the king and queen of anti-prom. He makes two crowns out of cardboard and they walk into prom together wearing their crowns. Becky is so excited and also most likely unaware this is something Puck just made up. While Becky talks to Sue, her back is turned long enough for Puck to fulfill his dream of spiking the punch. This was an elaborate plan just to pour alcohol in the punch

Quinn and Santana count the prom votes, which seems like a conflict of interest. Quinn won queen by one vote. The junior girls are going to be pissed. But Quinn tells Santana that they have had “dream high school careers” being cheerleaders and all, and should use this opportunity to make a difference for someone less fortunate.

Kill it! Kill it!

Sans hair gel, Blaine returns to prom with a furry afro. Brittany says Blaine made his point, his natural hair is awful and he desperately needs gel.

Kurt has to crown this year’s winners. Finn, of course, is king. In a surprise twist, Rachel Berry wins queen due to write-in votes. This was Quinn’s a-doing! Rachel and Finn enjoy a romantic dance while Quinn and Santana sing “Take My Breath Away” from Top Gun. Rachel is afraid this is all some Carrie-style prank, but Finn assures her that she is indeed amazing. Finn always has to inspire the girls.

And finally, Tina and Mike actually say something! By the way, when was the last time Tina had a song? They’ve been reduced to background characters.

Much less surprising than the Asians getting to speak, Quinn is able to stand up. “It’s a prom miracle,” says Sam. A prom miracle, indeed!

Grade: B
This episode made very little sense. But dinosaurs kick ass.

Best Musical Performance: “Take My Breath Away” – The Top Gun Singers. Performed by Quinn & Santana

Porpoise of Life Name: Cooter Beats Coach Beiste
Lesson of the Week: Domestic violins

Rachel prepares for NYADA.

Coach Beiste comes to school a black eye. Santana makes a crack that Cooter, her husband of equal size, went Chris Brown on her and other girls laugh. Santana CHOKED on being funny, because that Roz swim coach scary woman tells them it is inappropriate to joke about abuse and then insults all of their races. I think that’s sending a mixed message. She doesn’t know their names, so here is what she calls each girl:

Brittany: Hat Rack

Tina: Asian Horror Movie

Mercedes: Little Oprah

Sugar: Rojo Caliente

Santana: Salsa Caliente

Beiste assures them that Cooter did not hit her. She was working out and a weight bag CHOKED her in the eye. Still, Sue, Roz and Beiste are going to teach the girls about violence against vaginas. Despite being the guidance counselor, they wisely do not include Emma, as she is useless. Will is outraged that the girls would joke about such a thing because he is wildly inconsistent and disapproves of everyone but Rachel.

courtesy: Glee Characters' Logic

Finn is concerned that Puck may not graduate. Puck says not to worry, all he has left to pass is a European geography test and his plan is to have sex with the teacher. No, that’s really his plan. In the episode. It’s not my joke. It’s how he passed the 5^th grade, after all.

But after the teacher rejects his advances, (Puck CHOKED on sexing her up) he busts out to Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out”. After a whole episode of Whitney Houston, this was great. It’s also great to think of all the 14-year-old metal heads who are super pissed that Alice Cooper sold out. “When I was 9, Alice Cooper had integrity!”

Kurt and Rachel have to audition for NYADA. I thought Kurt was already accepted into NYADA. Rachel and Kurt talk about some song from a play that Kurt wants to sing for his audition. I have no idea what they are talking about. I CHOKED trying to follow their gay conversation. I heard them mention Hugh Jackman, so I assume they were discussing Wolverine: The Musical.

Mercedes seems really happen to be side-by-side with the thin girls.

The girls (minus Rachel because they don’t like her, also Quinn who seems to have been neglected to be written into this episode) have to perform a song about empowering women who have been abused. So they do a song from Chicago. I finally saw that movie back in January and enjoyed it. Corruption in Chicago is such a timeless institution that a musical produced in 1975 about a true event from 1924 is still relevant enough today to have been made into a hit movie in 2002. But the girls CHOKED on learning the lesson. Sue, Beiste, and Roz berate them for missing the point, because the song is about killing a man, not about being a strong woman. I think every song that is about a woman being abused is also about killing the abuser. I expected the girls to sing “Goodbye Earl” by the Dixie Chicks, which is the song I played at my viewing party for the final episode of My Name is Earl.

Beiste has to leave the room. She confesses to Sue and Roz that Cooter DID hit her. Because she didn’t do the dishes and he had been drinking. Sue tells her to get out of that house and even offers to let her stay with her, but Beiste CHOKES on mustering the courage, crying, “I don’t think anyone else is ever going to love me.” Oh no, don’t do this. Glee is not a nearly a good enough show to tackle a serious topic of this magnitude. Please stop it now. You will fail at the message you are trying to present.

Puck is cleaning a pool and talking about how he is going to drop out of school because he will CHOKE on graduating, when he hears a voice he hasn’t heard it years.

Onto the other boys. Finn has devised a plan to jump Puck and force him to be tutored. It involves all the boys getting into strategic positions around a pool while Artie rolls into it to get his attention. Finn’s plan CHOKES. I only approve of the Artie part.

That’s when Puck enters the room. “Just saw my dad,” he says. “I haven’t seen him in five years.” Puck gave him $500 so he’d leave. That was the money he needed to move to L.A. His dad dropped out of high school and became a loser and Puck doesn’t want to CHOKE like him. Puck has to graduate and only has one month to make it happen!

It’s time for Kurt and Rachel’s audition. Whoopi Goldberg will be judging them. She starred in two Sister Acts, so who better? Sister Act 3 was pretty bad; it totally CHOKED. Though Goldberg had nothing to do with that one. It was direct-to-video and starred that girl who was kicked off Destiny’s Child. Don’t even get me started on Sister Act 4: Vatican Vacation.

Gambit kicks ass

Instead of Wolverine: The Musical, Kurt makes a bold last minute change and performs a song from Gambit: The Musical. It’s a risky move. That play that has only ever been performed in underground theaters in Hungary because it’s just a man dressed as Gambit having sex with multiple woman on stage for three hours and then CHOKING off for the closing scene. Gambit is the most awesome X-Men ever. I was pissed when he wasn’t in the X-Men trilogy, but if he were, he’d have made Wolverine look like even more of a bitch than Wolverine made Cyclops. “What, Jean Grey has become Phoenix and gone insane? No biggie. I’ll just strut up behind her, stick my dick in her butt and she’ll be cured. Move over badger man, I’m Gambit.”

Kurt is accepted into NYADA.

Rachel’s audition is next. She starts to sing the Barbara Streisand song she sang previously at Sectionals in season 1 but CHOKES at the word “butter”. She was probably thinking about butter. Whoopi Goldberg does not let her into NYADA. “I wear sneakers on The View,” she says and walks away.

The glee boys (minus Kurt whose membership is questionable) help tutor Puck on geography. They sing a punk rock version of “The Rain in Spain”. They should have sung Month Python’s song about Finland. Punk CHOKES, it’s the most overrated form of music ever, but novelty songs are eternal.

Sue is disappointed that Beiste did not stay the night with her, but Beiste says she is all right and moved in with her sister. Beiste then confesses to the girls that her husband hit her. “Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors,” Beiste tells the kids. Glee is branching out from failing to teach lessons to teenagers to failing to teach lessons to middle-aged women. Way to CHOKE. Remember when Glee sort of made fun of after school specials and it now trying to be a genuine after school special?

Fuck you!

Puck gets an F on his test. The first question he CHOKED on was the capital of Austria-Hungary. (It’s Vienna!) Don’t even get me started on the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Talk about the most overrated empire ever. Look at it. That’s not an empire. Owning Yugoslavia, Czechoslovakia and part of Poland does not make you an empire, asshole. That’s, like, half the size of Mexico. Oh, I forgot, you also have Transylvania. Way to go retards, it’s full of vampires. Oh well, that’s YOUR problem not MINE!

The glee girls sing a song I have never heard before by a band I have never heard of to Beiste. This is where we see that Beiste lied about leaving Cooter. She is still with him. She CHOKED on leaving. Will this become a new storyline? Let’s hope. Because the best part of shows set in high school are the plots about adults. so you know I am being sarcastic!

Beiste was better on Lizzie McGuire. It was a better show. The Glee writers CHOKED on this episode.

Finn comforts Rachel and lets her know that not having talent isn’t the worst thing in the world. He has no talent yet is the leader of glee club.

Grade: P-

Oh lord, a worse episode than “I Kissed a Girl”. This was even shittier than “On My Way”, which I would rather be on the rooftop of the World Trade Center on the morning of 9/11 than watch again. Here is what smart people had to say:

[Y]ou can’t constantly make wacky jokes at the expense of fat people, disabled people, immigrants, people of color, women and gay people and then suddenly come down hard on one arbitrary type of risky joke each week. I’m all about edgy progressive offensive humor that shocks and discomforts people, but executing such things consistently requires better artists than the ones making this show.

–Riese, Autostaddle

The problem is that Glee has bought into the myth of its own importance so thoroughly that it thinks raising an issue, then explaining what you should do in that situation, then going off to have Puck draw awesome rocker demons on his history final, is an adequate way to discuss serious topics. The show’s been doing this since the second season, but it’s grown even more pronounced this season. The series sees itself as a force for good in the world—and, yeah, if this episode helps one woman get out of an abusive relationship, that’s a good thing. But that doesn’t make the show good art or even good crappy television. It makes it painfully, woefully obvious art and crappy television.

–Todd VanDerWerff, The A.V. Club

Best Musical Performance: “School’s Out” – Alice Cooper. Performed by Puck

Sugar’s Best Outfit:

Fuck this shit

Worries linger about Nickelodeon’s ratings slump

Wall Street analysts peppered Viacom management Thursday with questions about the mysterious ratings slump at the company’s premier children’s television network Nickelodeon.

Nickelodeon’s audience levels have fallen nearly 30% this season, prompting much speculation about the reasons behind the troubling drop. The issue is far from child’s play. Nickelodeon is one of the most valuable channels in television as well as within the Viacom universe.

…

“Nickelodeon has fallen to levels that you’ve never seen before,” said one prominent analyst, Michael Nathanson of Nomura Securities, observed during Viacom’s call.

…

“We’re going to focus on ways in which we can affect the Nickelodeon brand positively,” Dauman told analysts before the opening bell. “Our pipeline is extremely strong. We’re developing more new [episodes] of our popular series and more exciting new series. And of course, we’re particularly excited about the revival of the [Teenage Ninja] Turtles franchise.”

– from Meg James, The L.A. Times

I attribute the ratings dip has to everything on Nickelodeon being shit. All their sitcoms look exactly like iCarly and iCarly is dumb. I give it credit for being better than a lot of what we had on Nick in my day, but it’s still really dumb in an objective sense. Now maybe it looks bad for me–someone in my late 20s–to complain about the quality of a TV channel aimed at 11-year-olds. Especially when I don’t even have children. OK, scratch the maybe. It makes me look pretty bad. But the planned new Ninja Turtles TV show is like kicking my generation in the balls. I know there is a Power Rangers series airing on Nick right now, but we all collectively got bored with the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers around its second season, and that franchise was still limping around on Fox for more than a decade afterward.

No one really holds the Power Rangers dear like they would the Turtles. The Turtles are sacred man. You can’t just drag them out of the sewer to make a buck. You have to do them justice. I don’t mind CGI Turtles, but I don’t trust the network that has Kung-fu Panda and that Penguins cartoons on its lineup.

True, there was that revived Turtles cartoon on Fox a few years back. I actually watched it. More than that, I attended viewing parties with fellow nostalgic ’90s kids. The Fox cartoon was pretty good. My favorite episode was the garbage island one, where this villiam named the Garbageman was kidnapping homeless men and forcing them to work on an island made of garbage. Yes, that happened. The best part was at the end. After the Turtles defeated Garbageman, the hobos all still chose to remain on the garbage island. They were truly free men. I didn’t really watch the new version in its later seasons. Wikipedia says it ran for 7 seasons, which seems like a bit too much. In fact, here is the rundown of TMNT TV series:

1. Classic Turtles: 1987-1996 (syndication & CBS)
2. The Shitty Live-Action One: 1997-1998 (Fox)
3. Second Cartoon: 2003-2009 (Fox)
4. CGI version: coming 2012 (Nick)

Looking at this list, I am surprised by how long the Turtles have been on TV. The longest we’ve gone without a series is only five years. The Ninja Turtles are certainly an American Institution. An American Institution, indeed.

Anyway, getting back to the topic. Here is an article in the Wall Street Journal that blames the ratings dive on the over-exposure of Spongebob. I say it serves Nickelodeon right.

Viacom’s SpongeBob Crisis

Overexposed or Netflixed? Ratings Sag for Long-Running Cartoon Hurts Network’s Ad Sales

Best known for getting laughs, Nickelodeon’s “SpongeBob SquarePants” has become a wet blanket.

After 13 years on the air, the cartoon about a talking sponge is losing its hold on children. The average number of viewers aged 2 to 11 watching Spongebob at any given time dropped 29% in the first quarter from a year earlier, according to Nielsen.

And because “Spongebob” is the backbone of Nickelodeon—accounting for as much as 40% of the network’s airtime late last year—it is dragging down the whole network. Nickelodeon’s ratings fell 25% in the quarter, after a more-modest fall-off in the second half of last year.

…

But the show may be suffering from overexposure. In recent years, Nickelodeon has expanded Spongebob’s place on its schedule. For all of 2011, “SpongeBob” accounted for 31% of the network’s programming, and even hit 40% toward the end up the year, according to Nielsen That’s up from 23% in 2007.

…

Another factor may be stricter parental attitudes. In September, the journal Pediatrics published a widely circulated study linking shows like “SpongeBob” to kids’ poor performance on tests of skills such as following rules. And some parents say they don’t let their kids watch the show. Ian Guarnieri of Maplewood, N.J., says he started letting his son watch the show when he was five years old, but quickly pulled the plug. “Once we started to watch it, we decided it wasn’t something we wanted him to be watching. It’s very low brow.”

Nickelodeon decline to comment on criticism of “SpongeBob.”

–from John Jannarone, The Wall Street Journal

As you may remember last time the Downers got in the luggage compartment of a bus which they planned to ride to the beach. Today’s episode opens with them inside the luggage compartment of the bus. That makes sense. If it began with them all at home discussing their wacky bus adventure I would think I skipped an episode. The bus driver stops and opens the luggage compartment in an area that quite clearly has no buildings in sight. That was nice of him. The rabbits get out and check out the ocean. They are all  “Damn, that be a nice ass body of water yo”

First order of business is find Kehaar. He failed to keep up with the bus because as a seagull he does not posses infinite stamina and the ability to go 50 miles per hour. The rabbits decide to head down to the shore line because… they have to do something? Going down by the water won’t really make it easier to find Kehaar since they are currently on a cliff that gives them a good view of the surrounding area, but they came all the way to the ocean so they might as well go down to the beach. Hawkbit thinks they should go home but everybody tells him to shut his Jew mouth.

The rabbits meet a puffin who is sitting on his nest. Dandelion and Hawkbit make fun of him for doing what they perceive to be a woman’s job. Then they call him a dandy right before they start prancing around in a circle using a falsetto voice to say things they believe the puffin may say. Unlike those two Pipkin is useful so he asks the puffin if he has seen Kehaar. The exchange is interrupted when two seagulls attack the puffin.  It would seem puffins and seagulls do not get along because seagulls are assholes who attack puffins for fun. Then Hawkbit falls off a cliff because one of the themes of this episode is random things happening instead of their being a plot.

Kehaar flies by. The rabbits see him but Kehaar doesn’t hear them call out to him. They assume he is ignoring them rather then assuming he is a few dozen feet away from them and they aren’t very loud. Kehaar flies around saying hello to all the gulls he knows because that bus just happened to go to the one part of the English coastline he use to live at. I guess it makes sense, England doesn’t have that big of a coast.

The rabbits get down to the sand. They don’t know what the fuck it is even though I think they have sand in forests. Like, the forests I’ve been to before seem to have sand in them, or at least dirt that appears very sand like. It must be different over there in England.

After being ignored for awhile Kehaar finally finds a gull who has a voice actress, his lover Katatrina or maybe Katalina. Kehaar also sometimes calls her KAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA because he communicates through screaming. As Thank You Stars rightfully points out in previous episodes Kehaar called his lover Natasha. Kehaar’s entire back story consists of two facts, he like big water and he had a lover named Natasha. They really couldn’t get them both right for the episode exploring his past?

In the next scene Pipkin falls in the water. Then the rabbits smell a dead fish. Thus time is killed.

Kehaar tries to convince  his woman to come back with him to the down. She refuses because seagulls don’t live underground with rabbits. Plus he’s only been back for like ten minutes after being gone for months. She also seems like a huge Russian bitch.

Fiver tries to drink some water but it is salty. Then a crab pinches Hazel’s butt. This serves little purpose but get us closer to the end of the episode. Glad they made this a two parter.

Pipkin asks some gulls if they know Kehaar. They respond by trying to bite his butt. This beach is full of perverts.

Kehaar tries to share some fish with KAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA but she is unimpressed and this other gull makes fun of Kehaar. Seagulls don’t take kindly to socialists.

Katarina and some other gull I don’t think they ever bothered to name decide it will be fun to go trash some puffin nests. Kehaar questions why they want to be mean to the puffins and gets ignored. Then he goes to the defense of the puffins, standing up for his beliefs but getting ejected from seagull society or something. Kehaar apologizes to the puffin for the disturbance and the puffin mentions that he had met the rabbits. Kehaar is told the rabbits are at the beach and Kehaar knows this is Bad News Bears because that the tide is coming in faster then Power Wheel driven by The Flash.

The rabbits are trapped on a rock, which is where Kehaar finds them. They aren’t out of the water yet as the tide is not done rising. There is a ledge higher up where they will be safe but they can’t reach it. Kehaar tries to get the gulls to help him but they won’t because the rabbits aren’t their friend, Kehaar isn’t even their friend. Why would they want to help either of them? The puffins on the other hand are up for helping out. They drop a bunch of rocks on the ledge that the rabbits use to climb to safety.

The next day Kehaar makes the decision to not stay at big water. His old friends are all assholes who hate him.

Rating 2/10

Even worse then last week couple months ago

Final Thoughts

I think the idea behind these episodes is that they wanted to establish why Kehaar sticks with the bunnies instead of returning to big water. I can get behind that, the execution however just doesn’t cut it. Here is what they should have done: Kehaar decides he needs to go to big water, so he flies there. Hannah can come along as well since  she can sit on his back and it will give him somebody to talk to. Kehaar has the same arc and realization that seagulls are dicks and bunnies are sweet. At the down some kind of dangerous situation arises that they have difficulty dealing with without Kehaar. Maybe that fox comes back or Efrafa makes a move into their territory. Without air support they barely succeed. When Kehaar returns he and the rabbits both have a new found appreciation for each other. Hawkbit says something dumb and Kehaar makes a joke at his expense hit the freeze frame, cue credits, I’m outta here.

Porpoise of Life Name: Whitney Houston Episode
Lesson of the Week: We’re going to ignore that Whitney Houston died of a drug overdose and act like it was breast cancer or something.

Aw man, Mercedes is singing. Her grandmother just died and she is sad. Santana, Rachel, and Kurt soon join her, so at least we have three good looking girls to stare at.

The kids are still mourning the passing of Whitney Houston back in February. Because that really hit America’s high school seniors hard. “You think after two months they’d let it go,” Will tells Emma. You’d think after seeing how fucknuts crazy Whitney Houston had been acting for the past five years, her death wouldn’t have been a shock to anyone. Come on, she claimed to have never touched crack during an interview in which she was tweeking out. I mean, if you heard that Lindsay Lohan overdosed in a truck stop bathroom with a baby alligator up her vagina, would you be surprised? No, of course not.

Emma knows how the kids feel. Like all women of below average looks and no life in 1997, she mourned the death of Princess Diana for months.

Will writes “Whitney” on the glee club whiteboard. He means Whitney Cummings. “You assignment this week is to get a sitcom on NBC despite not being funny.”

Joking aside, I understand the glee kids’ pain over Houston. I couldn’t stop mourning when Chris Farley died. But he has 100X the talent Houston had.

True fact: Both Chris Farley and Whitney Houston died from a drug overdose. And their bodies were found in the exact same hotel bathtub! Eeerry!

Brittany and Santana sing “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” and I guess re-enact the video. I haven’t seen that many ‘80s-early ‘90s music videos, unless it’s that Twisted Sister video Dee Snider talks about on VH-1 all the time. I think Dee Snider is an employee of VH-1. Or maybe they let him live in an empty storage closet in their offices in exchange for appearing in all their 100 Greatest _____ in Rock specials.

“I’ve been practicing Whitney Houston’s version of the Star Spangled Banner all night and I still can’t sing it,” says Rachel to Kurt. Well, I’ve been practicing Jimmy Hendrix’s version of the Star Spangled Banner all night and I still can’t sing it.

Kurt tells Rachel about another gay boy from another high school glee club who bound for New York after graduation. His name is Chandler and Kurt took an interest after finally realizing that Blaine is a flake.

Joe and Quinn sing “Saving All My Love for You”. Quinn fell for Joe when he was helping her with physical therapy, which is getting to third base with a cripple.

We then go right to Santana and Rachel singing “So Emotional”.

Chandler wasn’t making a cute pun, he just hasn’t figured out how to get his iPhone to stop auto-censoring curse words.

In the middle of it, Kurt gets a text from Chandler.

In the bathroom, the girls talk about important subjects like the presidential race, Israel/Palestine, and how to fix America’s education system. That’s why they were all in there for 45 minutes. Ha ha. No, I’m joking. I mean they do their makeup and talk about boys because there will never be a woman president. Quinn is sad because she feels that Joe does not like her because of the wheelchair. Joe is a white guy with dreadlocks, who is he to be picky about girls?

But Joe does like Quinn, he is just nervous about acting on his feelings due to being very religious and not having much interaction with girls due to having been home schooled. Joe asks Sam for advice. Joe feels that it would be wrong to do anything with Quinn unless they are married. Sam replies that those rules were written into the Bible back when people got married as soon as puberty started.

I want us all to acknowledge that Joe looks like that one guy from the Black Eyed Peas and that the possibility exists that he is indeed that person. Fergie has a solo career now, so doesn’t need the three guys around anymore. Maybe he thought winning The Glee Project was his best chance to maintain a career in show business. It marks a new start for him. Now he can sing for once and not just make karate moves in the background.

Now Blaine is the woman in the relationship.

Blaine sees that Chandler has been texting Kurt. Oh no, Blaine is going to be a crybaby again. “You like this guy,” cries Blaine. “I like the way he makes me feel,” says Kurt, “my prostate tingles when he says my name.” Blaine sings “It’s Not Right but It’s Okay”.

Rachel tells Santana that their duet was great and it is too bad they spent the first three years of high school not being friends. Santana agrees. Rachel asks Santana to put her photo in her locker. Rachel wants to be Santana’s new girlfriend.

Kurt’s father Burt, played by the man who wrote the Dead Parrot sketch, MIKE O’MALLEY, notices that Kurt is not planning to take Blaine’s photo with him to New York. Oh yeah, also Burt is now a Congressman. You’d think that would have become a major part of the show. But they haven’t done anything with it because the Glee writers do not think things through.

Then Kurt sings “I Have Nothing”.

Kurt and Blaine are in Emma’s office for couples counseling. Blaine questions if she is qualified for this. “Not really,” admits Emma, “or at all.” Emma originally applied to teach junior high swimming, but the office mixed up the paperwork.

Will and Emma met with a wedding planner. Oh, I forgot that Will and Emma are getting married, because we haven’t seen much of them and Rachel and Finn having been hogging the screen time by pushing back their wedding date once an episode.

Will wants to get married in May so the glee kids will still be in town for the event. He also wants a stage so they can sing. Because of the short time frame, they have had troubling finding an adequate venue, so Will opts to have the ceremony at a KOA campground. Emma does not want to get married there because of her OCD. Also she’s a woman. I don’t find a wedding at a campground unusual, but then again I live in the Upper Peninsula, and campgrounds often has the most reliable electricity. Emma wants to push back the date to the fall so they can plan it perfectly. But Will is worried that the glee kids will not bother to come back for his wedding. Emma assures him they will. It looks like we have a set up for a season 4 episode. Or maybe not. It’s asking the Glee producers a lot to expect them to plan for next season.

Joe helps Quinn with her physical therapy. Shouldn’t a physical therapist being doing this? “When I’m with you, I don’t care what God says about sins of the flesh,” says Joe. “I just want to know what it would feel like to be up next to you.” That’s the sexiest line in Glee history, but only because John Stamos never once shouted, “Have mercy!” when he was on. I am still angry about it, too.

Artie and Mercedes started singing, so I turned off the TV. Goodnight.

Samoan kid!